Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
You are not alone 💚
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Are we there yet?…
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
our love story in four pictures
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)