*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
HR said no more nunchucks.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
These are my roll models.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT