me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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Denise please return my vape pen
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three