(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business