I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[shakes fist at other fist]
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
SPLOOT