Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact