[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
🍞🦆
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep