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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
just leave it at the foot of the bed
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.