hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me before I type out affect or effect
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.