BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Sunday
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me