“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
groan^2
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO