The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
the simulation is moving too fast
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Mad Max: Furry Road
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle