Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Happy Halloween 🎃
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit