SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You Might Also Like
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Don’t we all.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
White Castle for the Win
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700