Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Oh thanks BBC.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
This kid is going places
titanic
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.