Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You Might Also Like
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My whole life was a lie.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.