Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Florida man
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.