Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?