[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
😜
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me