Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?