“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Mornin. * use accordingly
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.