At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
You Might Also Like
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.