Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Why I divorced her.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now