My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
You Might Also Like
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”