If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep