My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
all that yoga finally paid off
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.