Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Just a friendly reminder!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre