A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Worth the read.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
gentlemen, hear me out
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”