My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.