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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)