It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.