Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
You Might Also Like
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls