Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me recordaron éste meme
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis