Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?