The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
You Might Also Like
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…