My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine