DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny