When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo