Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
smh
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Pot warmers of the day.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
did it work
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?