I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
How funny!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.