[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
No way!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*