Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
the noise i just made
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.