Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭