Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.