Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.