If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats