Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Life with a cat in one tweet
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]