My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.