*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You Might Also Like
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”