Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.